Screen-Shaped E3: EA

Chris: You cannot fathom the dread I have going into this press conference. YOU ARE NOT PREPARED.

Chris: YOU ARE NOT PREPARED!

Nick: I am always prepared. My body is ready.

Callum: Hello there, everyone!  I’m Callum Petch, the guy who left the site but who keeps getting invited back regardless.  I think Scott has abandonment issues…

Scott: Hey, you’re the one who keeps coming back.

Callum: Geoff Keighley is wearing aviators.  Yes he does look like a total tit.

Scott: Looks like it’s coming up soon. Or, you know, now.

Chris: The only thing more merciful than dying now is seeing the entire upper echelon of EA dying with me.

Scott: Oh yay. Pointless loud club-like music.

Callum: Pointless?!  Where?!

Scott: Leading with Peter Moore. I would not have started that way.

Callum: EA do not deserve this grandiose an entrance.

Chris: Brand new! LIES!

Callum: But Chris, they changed the colours of the guns in Battlefield!  It’s a brand new game!

Nick: Already, they are better orators than Microsoft. I know that bar is low, but its worth mentioning.

Chris: SPORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTZZZZZZ! Because we here at EA love it when big, sweaty men that play with balls.

Scott: Who doesn’t?

Scott: If this is genuinely a shadow puppet war game, I’ll be so happy.

Scott: OK, even better.

Plants vs Zombies: Garden Warfare

Chris: Wait, what…

Callum: Plants vs. Zombies is really going in a different direction this time.

Nick: This is far better than I could have ever hoped.

Dan: Hey Guys, What’s going on? OH WHAT PLANTS VS ZOMBIES?

Callum: When did EA gain a sense of humour?

Chris: I didn’t expect this. I was not prepared.

Callum: Yay button has been pressed! http://flutteryay.com/

Nick: My body was not in fact ready

Dan: Oh god I cringed at that joke. “Bite the whole damn thing off?” Enough.

Scott: It’s a completely new PvZ. What? What the hell is going on?

Callum: Technically, Scott, it’s Battlefield Heroes dressed up in PvZ from the looks of it.

Chris: Wait, what…coming FIRST to Xbone, then 360?

Nick: Yeah, I’m….yeah…the jokes are falling flat guy. Stop biting the air.

Chris: I have been sucker punched in the mind.

Callum: Excuse plot ahoy!

Scott: This is the happiest I’ve ever been watching an EA announcement.

Callum: This is already better than almost the entirety of the MS presser.

Chris: They have turned a thinking game into A THIRD PERSON SHOOTER.

Dan: And already, EA have proven that they waste no time in kicking me in the nads and hurting my feelings and love for any past titles they’ve come to own.

Nick: Jeremy is back. You cannot fathom my excitement about hearing “Great Shot Jeremy” again.

Callum: No, it’s nothing overly original, but it’s got charm and personality in spades!  Also, I’m laughing right now, and that’s nice to see in a mainstream shooter.

Scott: Screw all you haters, this looks like it’d be incredibly fun with four players.

Chris: It might be fun. Do you even have four friends to play with? Also, what the fuck, tower defence into third person shooter, so bros can comprehend it. BROS BROS BROS

Scott: Chris is a mean drunk. I have friends…

Chris: Technically, I’m an always drunk.

Nick: I could see it working, but I am saddened by its departure from its game style.

Scott: There’s still going to be PvZ 2, we just get a little more PvZ. It has a drone that is a bulb of garlic. Seriously, we may see nothing better than this in this press conference.

Nick: This is actually quite enjoyable. It looks like they really ran with the concept and did it well.

Peggle 2 and Dan Creaming Himself

Dan: PEGGLE TWO MOTHERFUCKING YEAH I JUST CREAMED MYSELF

Chris: It at least looks passable. I’ll give you that.

Callum: NO!  NOT PEGGLE 2!  MY FREE TIME!  NOT MY FREE TIME!!  I NEED MY FREE TIME FOR PRODUCTIVE STUFF!

Not Peggle 2

Scott: OH YES. Wait, what? Titanfall? That’s not Peggle 2. What the hell?

Dan: Oh wait, that was it? Titanfall needs to go away, It’s not for hardcore gamers like me, who prefer games such as Peggle and Plants Vs Zombies

Chris: Great PR Skillz. Way to learn, EA.

Callum: They just “Smash Bros. WiiU”’d Peggle 2!

Titanfall. Again.

Nick: We know you all just saw Titanfall, so here it is again! The same footage even!

Dan: THERE IS A GUY CALLED JOEL EMSLIE. SCOTT. DO YOU KNOW HIM?

Callum: Scott has friends in high places!

Chris: Hooray for clinically developmentally challenged Battletech!

Nick: Emslie! Emslie! Get us free copies Scott!

Dan: Surely that would be ‘family’ Callum?

Callum: I think I’m hearing backstage chatter from the GT guys by accident.  Do you think they’re noticing that?

Scott: …Dad?! You’re back! You’re finally back! *cries*

Dan: Unless he’s only friends with people who have the same names as him?

Nick: Spike TV forgets that their mic is on, and leaves background chatter on during stream. Excellent. Oh wait, that’s somebody on-stage’s mic.

Chris: This is an updated Shogo, nothing more or less.

Nick: You have MOMENTS? Moments guys! MOMENTS!

Callum: Sod you guys, I’m still pumped.

Chris: You can be pumped all you want, callow youth! It’s Shogo, or stupidified Battletech. Or, as you may know it, ‘the Mechwarrior’.

Callum: Also, I’d rather not see Peggle 2 because I want some semblance of free time in the future.

Scott: I’m interested, but we’ve got Hawken and MechWarrior Online for PC. We’re not as starved for mech games on PC.

Chris: Also, Mechwarrior Tactics.

Callum: Is that music coming from GT or EA?

Scott: EA. I’ve got it here too.

Nick: Someone REALLY needs to get that mic turned off. I don’t know who anymore, but somebody has to.

Star Wars: Battlefront!

Dan: YES YES YES YES YES YES BATTLEFRONT I DON’T EVEN HAVE A WITTY COMMENT

Chris: Oh god. Star Wars nerds are about to have their hearts broken again.

Scott: I came.

Scott: That is the best news I’ve ever heard. My ears and eyes are weeping with joy.

Callum: BATTLEFRONT!  BATTLEFRONT!  BATTLEFRONT!  FUCK YES! FUCK YES! FUCK YES!

Dan: Wait? That was it? STOP FUCKING SHOWING ME GAMES I WANT AND THEN NOT SHOWING THEM

Callum: I AM. THE LAW!!

Need for Speed: Most Wanted: The Game: The Movie

Nick: Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. MOST WANTED MOTHA FUCKA!

Chris: I AM THE REALITY SHOW YOU ARE TOO AFRAID TO LIVE….JERSEY SHORE ONLINE!

Nick: True story, I saw a WHOLE street race get pulled over yesterday by 1 cop. It was super hype.

Callum: EA?  Callum Petch here.  Ahem… WHERE IS MY NEW BURNOUT SEQUEL?!

EA: Sorry to hear that you miss that series, Callum. But we’ve got Peggle 2 and Battlefront. You don’t need any other games.

Chris: VROOM VROOM! Let’s forsake game play for fast and shinies! Quick, switch to HEADACHE MODE!

Nick: So a merge of gaming experiences is interesting. Can we turn that feature off if we don’t want it? No? That sucks.

Callum: That looks like Need For Speed, alright.

Dan: My issue is that all of these features requires me to like people enough to want to share the world I use to escape them, with them.

Callum: Well then you are screwed this console generation, Dan!

Chris: Token dude with Tablet, whooo! Let’s play with the worst controller we can not afford!

Scott: So where is the Drivatar in this game?

Nick: So is tablet guy DOING anything?

Dan: Guy just takes out a helicopter with a car, Somwhere, Bruce Willis shrugs and says “Hey, I did it first….”

Callum: Ha!  Ha!  Switch gears! Ha!

Callum: It’s Aaron Paul!  Please say, “yo bitch!”  Please say, “yo, bitch!”

Nick: Callum must be creaming his pants right now. Oh look, he is.

Chris: No. Not like this. Not like this, Aaron Paul.

Callum: Need For Speed.  Accurate.  Authentic.  A grown man used those words together in one sentence.

Dan: Is that the guy from Breaking Bad?

Scott: Why are we watching real cars drive? I’m beginning to think they don’t understand videogames at all.

Callum: Guys, we already have Fast & Furious.  Why do we need a Need For Speed movie?

Dan: Why did EA just tell us what’s coming next as if there was going to be an ad break? They better not fucking put an ad break in.

Dragon Age 3: Inquisitor

Scott: Ha. Dragon Age 3 coming up soon. I’m looking forward to Chris’s breakdown.

Callum: Chris, remain calm.

Nick: Is everyone else forgetting the massive Battlefront cocktease?

Dan: Hey Chris, I heard that in this game, Dragons are collectable as pets that you can keep in your house.

Chris: Oh God.

Scott: Uh oh.

Chris: If you’re merciful, you’ll kill me now.

Callum: Fall 2014 is a long ways off.  That gives me hope, does it you, Chris?

Dan: You can tell it’s a fantasy game because the villagers are absolutely hideous to look at. What is it about villagers and having massive broad noses?

Nick: Please god tell me he was holding a gun-sword.

Callum: Just had a thought: how do you transfer the data from Dragon Ages 1 and 2 if this game is on a different console?

Scott: You buy it on PC, Callum. That’s how you do it.

Callum: Some woos just broke through the crowd at the sight of Morrigan.

Dan : Was that Morgana?

Nick: Oh shit, the Zerg are coming!

Callum: SSSSSSSPPPPPPPPOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTSSSSSSSS!!!!!

Chris: Morrigan returns! Varric returns! I have…not despair!

Dan: I totally meant Morrigan. I totally totally meant Morrigan. Please don’t hit me Chris.

Sports

Scott: I’m going to zone out for a bit.

Callum:SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nick: EA Sports. Its in the game. On our Server. In the game on our server.

Chris: Dan, get me another beer, or I’ll take off my belt. I have to contemplate this not-despair, and quanari involvements.

Nick: I am awaiting for the announcement of the crotch cam, Dan. You are to blame for that.

Callum: This guy is talking complete gibberish to me.

Basketball Sports?

Scott: Finally, I now know the physics of the dribble.

Dan : This guy is using SLAM poetry to talk about SLAM DUNKS. Dat shit is TIGHT!

Nick: Oh. My. God. This guy is somehow getting me excited about basketball.

Callum: IT’S TIME TO SLAM JAM!

Dan: Slammma Jamma Whamma Jamma

Chris: SPORTZ. DAT SHIT BE HYPE.

Callum: EVERYBODY GET UP, IT’S TIME TO SLAM NOW!!

Scott: That was so hip.

Callum: WE GOT A REAL JAM GOING DOWN!!

Chris:  Lulz. What a great way to share our artistic vision…dribbling! Not-white-people!

Callum: WELCOME TO THE SPACE JAM!!

Nick: Artistic about basketball. We playin’ basketball. We love that basketball.

Dan: I’m interested in seeing whether or not this game will allow me to relive my nightmare of being 8 foot and still unable to dunk.

Callum: BounceTech.  Not “BounceTek”.  Stop murdering the English language.

Scott: Really, Callum? Because BounceTech is a thing?

Callum: So… many… double entendres!

Callum: Guys, I can’t stop laughing at these inadvertent ball-hand puns!

Chris: Get back to Morrigan, EA mouthpiece.

Scott: Really, what I’m getting here is that basketball is a sport. A sport played by poets.

Callum: “We’re separating the ball from the hand!”  C’mon people, that’s comedy gold!

Nick: Its becoming incredibly clear that basketball guy gives less than zero fucks about this guy and his game.

Callum: Hippity-hop, fools!  If I bust into some Wu-Tang Clan you won’t think less of me, right?

Chris: Starring, literally, this guy. Because EA Mouthpiece couldn’t bother to learn his name.

American Football Sports?

Dan: NBA LIVE 14? MADDEN 25? WHAT YEAR IS THIS I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE?

Nick: My question is: Will LeBron continue to look as stupid as he does in real life? I hope so.

Callum: Madden 25’s title is really screwed when this series hits the installment released in 2014.

Dan: “Authentic” Gameplay. Until it makes you put some goddamn cleats on and run on the pitch, it’s not “authentic” EA. It’s like me claiming I’ve been in authentic fights because I’ve played Street Fighter once or twice.

Chris: MOAR BALLS!

Scott: “We’ve given players a way to think intelligently”. About time, I reckon.

Callum: “A ball carrier can slip past a defender…”  Look, somebody else laugh!  I’m feeling awful for being the only one, here.

Dan: “Linesman are intelligent now.” That’ll be the day! AMIRIGHT HANDEGG FANS? AHAHAH TOPICAL REFERENCE. FOOTBALL.

Chris: As someone who follows football…I just want a playable game, which eliminates every football game ever.

Callum: “Finally giving you the protection you need to step up and deliver the ball!”  Somebody just fire me, please.

Scott: We did, Callum, then you came back.

Callum: I haven’t been asking for a Madden 25 trailer…  It must’ve been one of you guys.  Fess up, whose fault is this?

Nick: I don’t know, I just filled it in randomly.

Callum:SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPOOOOOOOO- (gun shot)

Scott: Oh god. More sport. Yes, we get it EA, you have a monopoly on licenced sports games. But you only gave us a minute of DA3, but 15 minutes of sports?

Nick: Man, I even passively enjoy watching sports, but this is too fucking much guys. When’s Star Wars??

Callum: (dead body twitches in agreement with Scott’s points)

Nick: Everytime I see a real sports person being interviewed, I imagine them thinking “What the fuck does this even matter to you?”

Drake, For Some Reason. He Likes FIFA.

Callum: Oh fuck.

Dan: Thank god DRAKE IS ON STAGE. Finally, a game developer I can trust!

Callum: “My passion for FIFA runs deep.” No it doesn’t, Drake.  No it doesn’t.

Scott: “I’ve been all over the world, like to Barcelona”. That’s one place, Drake. Also, a real fan would call Fifa football, not soccer.

Chris: Shut up. Look away. It’s Drake, the shame of Toronto that isn’t our mayor.

Nick: I’m holding back because its too easy to make fun of Drake. Oh hell, go autotune yourself some more you terrible non-rapper.

Callum: Living stadiums?  Are they like the Sector V treehouse from Codename: Kids Next Door?  Because battling anthropomorphic football stadiums would be the shot in the arm that FIFA needs.

Nick: Thanks to ignite, we’re unnecessarily adding more strain on the game’s processing, so the game stutters more often.

Callum: Nick, I believe that you confused Drake for T-Pain.

Nick: No, I’m familiar with Young Money. The shit I can tell you about Young Money Callum, does not even BEGIN to start.

Chris: Let’s not talk about Drake, let’s talk about  authenticity. What button is ‘fall down like you’re shot and cry until the ref cares’?

This One I Know: UFC Sports.

Callum: First look at EA UFC!  Hype!

Nick: I think its X.

Scott: I will only find this interesting if they make Peter Moore fight someone.

Callum: How many people do you need on stage?  I get that it’s ace to hear Bruce Buffer introduce people, but come on!

Nick: Can we please stop with people only paid to be there on stage? Please? I know you have money EA, I get it. Please stop.

Chris: Agreed. We know that UFC is popular and a ball to watch. Don’t taint it.

Callum: Watching Dana White swallow his pride from prior EA comments is ALWAYS funny.

Scott: Please don’t tell us a story. It won’t be interesting. You’re not famed for your sense of narrative.

Callum: What is it was a story with SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSPPPPPPPOOOOOO- (multiple gun shots)

Chris: He’s right, though. I hate to admit it. He’s dead right.

Nick: I’m yellow and he is right.

Scott: I’m sure he’s right, but I feel I should point out that it still wasn’t interesting to hear.

Callum: Thoses two champions look bored out of their minds.

Nick: Right? They’re like “When can we go use this EA money on hookers?”

Callum: “I hope that the buffet hasn’t been drained yet…”

Dan: I love that guy’s tactics, apparently he’s one of the world’s “smartest fighters”, because he realised that instead of letting someone take him down, he’d take them down first. How is that a tactic?

Chris: Bones Jones, the man who beat a man half to death using illegal moves! He’s like the Mike Tyson of MMA, except less moral and contrite. And a worse person in every way.

Scott: He was going to take me down, so I took him down first. Because he wasn’t expecting that. He thought we were going to have an intellectually stimulating chess match.

Nick: Nobody wants to feel what its like to be punched in the face. FIGHTERS don’t want to feel being punched in the face.

Callum: It’s probably a good thing that Jade is too busy to turn up to this.  We’re probably insulting her inadvertently, right now.

Chris: As one of the voices of actual experience here, a person who’s been in a fight, had his nose broken with a riot shield, have have to say- being punched in anywhere is the least fun.

Scott: The greatest spectacle of all…WHALE WRESTLING.

Callum: Look at that CG!  Doesn’t it look not at all representative of gameplay?

Battlefield 4.8679

Nick: Not just about pretty graphics. 60 frames of graphics.

Chris: Again, Battlefield 3 has all of these features…

Scott: Yay.

EA: Clap for the name of a mode you know nothing about, slave monkey!

Dan: Stop trying to make battlelog a thing EA. It’s not going to happen.

Callum: They shall not rest until Call Of Duty has been toppled, Dan!  So never.

Nick: Oh my god, I really just want to hear about Battlefront. And I don’t even remotely care about this.

Callum: “We got 64 people out on stage!  Isn’t that awesome?”  No, not really.  No.

Dan: Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited for Battlefield, I do think it’s a rather good series, and I’d prefer an alternative to Call of Duty, but seriously they need to STFU and get Battlefront out onstage.

Chris: Battlefield is a not-bad franchise. now, shut your face-hole and give us more Dragon Age.

Nick: I’m actually kind of impressed with the 64-live players. I’m sure its scripted, but still.

Callum: Oh, sweet Maker!  Not on-stage banter!  ANYTHING BUT ABYSMAL ON-STAGE BANTER!

Chris: Nick, I’ve been doing 64 players for two years on BF3.

Nick: Shhhhhhhh. Shh. Sh. It’ll all be over soon. Just let it happen. Appease the beast and let it happen.

Callum: Oh, no, Battlefield!  I’m not falling for your shiny objects, again!  Not this time!

Nick: Credit where credit is due: that stuff is in real Chinese.

Scott: The sound on my stream has dropped out. Going by the visuals, I assume some charming jazz is playing?

Callum: Only the smoothest smooth jazz, Scott.

Callum: Wouldn’t it be something if EA closed with something by Valve?

Dan: Speaking of Valve, have they got a conference planned?

Callum: No.

Dan: Callum Petch, breaker of hearts and destroyer of dreams with only a single sentence.

Callum: They’re not seriously closing on this, are they?  Cos this is just running out the clock, here.  Yeah, it’s technically impressive but I’m still not blown away.

Chris: What is with those wierd offset red-dots on rifles? Not even remotely making sense. An aimpoint is what, 10 ounces?

Nick: Chris, it LOOKS cool. Thats all that matters. Thats how guns work. They work on belief and hope. And cool.

Callum: Guys…  I’m doing a 180.  I am really fucking impressed.  And now, I’m hype again.

Scott: Fully destructible skyscrapers? Colour me impressed.

Nick: Wow. Wow. I’m actually kind of blown away by that. That’s crazy awesome. BAM LADY SOLDIER.

Dan Calls It. Mirror’s Edge 2. YES.

Dan: MIRROR’S EDGE I AM CALLING IT

Callum: Wait… are they doing it?

Scott: This is Mirror’s Edge 2. Oh dear lord. IT IS. Mirror’s Edge in an engine that allows fully destructible buildings. Oh god yes.

Callum: FUCK YES! FUCK YES! FUCK YES! FUCK YES!

Callum: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

Chris: Everything is better now.

Nick: I miss Star Wars 😦

Scott: Well, that’s a blinder of a way to finish. Final thoughts?

Callum: That went way better than expected!  It didn’t completely suck, several ace reveals and MIRROR’S EDGE 2, STAR WARS BATTLEFRONT AND PEGGLE 2 ARE THINGS THAT EXIST!  THIS LIFE IS WORTH LIVING!

Dan: Better than the Microsoft conference, mainly because Battlefront, DA3 and Mirror’s Edge. OH AND MOTHERFUCKING PEGGLE 2.

Chris: Mirror’s edge, and  DA3. I have not-despair.

Nick: I’m interested in actually quite a lot of their announcements. Everything before and after Sports has excited me. I’m cautiously optimistic for the future games coming out.

Callum: Guys, Geoff Keighley is still wearing aviators.  What the fuck is wrong with the man?

Nick: Callum, god damn it, its bright and aviators are cool.

Callum: Not on Geoff Keighley, Nick.  Not on Geoff Keighley.

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