Screen-Shaped E3: Microsoft

Scott: Hello all! Scott here, Co-Founder of Screen-Shaped Eyes.

Chris: Hello everyone, I’m Chris Matyskiel, senior editor. I’m betting this will be ugly.

Nick: Hey everybody, this is Nick Nguyen, podcast person. Its 9 am, I can’t think of a better title. My body is ready for the abuse that will be Microsoft E3. Commenting on an unseen moment, Microsoft has delayed their press conference by 30 more minutes. Perhaps someone finally told them that they did not, in fact, knock it out of the park at the hardware announcement.

Chris: Ha! It was something of a disaster. Maybe the realization that consumers would be upset if they couldn’t play the games they’ve been bled dry with for the last year caught up with them.

Nick: More pre-game commentary: Spike is using old trailers and stock footage from 1 year ago to make a pre-show of E3. This sickens me, as I hope it sickens us all.

Scott: Well, I’m watching the official live-stream on the Xbox site. Currently, all is grey and dull. Has it started yet? I’m not sure I’ll be able to tell.

Chris: Fun times on Gamespot. Even they’re sort of scorning things. They’re trying to put an upbeat face on it…but yeah. “So it can feel your heartbeat, whether it’s on or off” is super weird.

Scott: As a kid, I always dreamed of the day my videogame console could give me advice on potential heart conditions. While we’re here, one of the first 15 Xbox One games has been announced. Kinect Sports Rivals, from Rare. I hope to god they have something more impressive coming.

Nick: I have been lowering my expectations by watching old E3 clips since I woke up. This has galvanized my hope to extremely low levels, which should give me the best E3 experience possible. I hope.

Chris: The pitch of used games and hardware going extinct is straight up BS. If there’s a market, it’ll be filled. The Ouya is capitalizing on that, giving a service to people who want it. Even if retailers are flooded with old games, the first console to offer backwards compatibility will win this generation.

Nick: Spike TV’s Stream: “I’m noticing some sort of negative public opinion of Microsoft. What are your thoughts on that guys?”

Chris: Geez. It’s like they’ve clued in that the boiling discontent of gamers is reaching the point at which we’re fed up.

Nick: I’m seeing a commercial for “Annoyed Gamer”. I feel like my anger and sadness is failing to reach my intended target because I’m not British.

Chris: It’s kind of like Assault on Wall Street. Finally, someone is playing to our frustrations! At least the Gamespot guys mixed it up- one pandering, fawning corporate apologist, one neutral party, and one person saying “Hey…I’m totally creeped out, yo.”

Callum: Hello, everyone! I’m Callum!

Scott: Hello there. As you can see, we’ve kicked off the cynicism a little earlier.

Callum: Hey, when you’re watching the GT stream, cynicism is justified. SOCIAL MEDIA!!!

Chris: Cheesy music playing as Microsoft pumps their PR flacks with designer drugs!

Nick: So, social media is now actively tracking mentions, and formatting a score for “Who wins” E3. this makes me angrier than anything.

Chris: We should capitalize on this. Everyone, start tweeting.

Nick: Do we tweet Ouya? #Ouyaouyaouya

Callum: Fuck off.

Scott: We’ll be hearing that a lot tonight, I’m sure.

Chris: Ouya is still in the parking lot.

Callum: I’ve got this opened for whenever anything good happens. http://flutteryay.com/

Chris: It’s funny you think something good will happen.

Callum: I really hate Geoff Keighley for some reason.

Scott: Ooh, it’s starting.

Metal Gear Solid 5: The Phantom Pain

Nick: Fuck yes, Horses. Dogs, horses, this truly is the console of the animals.

Callum: METAL GEAR. That’s all Kojima does, right?

Scott: Metal Gear Redemption.

Callum: Horses, shame they weren’t ponies otherwise I would have ran the risk of being interested.

Chris: Huh. Realistic gear, horrible dialogue. Also, hiding behind a horse? What the fuck.

Nick: I honest to god cannot figure out if this is a parody trailer or not. Because this is quickly becoming the stupidest thing I have ever seen.

Callum: What’s with the endless fast-motioning?

Scott: It’s to hide how dull it’ll be.

Callum: I just laughed out loud when the wailing kicked in. That shouldn’t happen.

Nick: Next generation stealth, with people who still can’t see people moving around 5 feet away from them.

Chris: Now they’re simulating the drudgery of actual deployment…worked for MOH, didn’t it?

Callum: STEALTH GAMEPLAY!

Scott: Up until the huge-breasted stripper sniper, I was actually interested.

Callum: Jack Bauer does not do a very good Solid Snake impression. This is an elaborate joke, right?

Scott: Does Kojima just make games based on the movies he’s been watching?

Nick: Code Talker: A wise man, denied his land” Oh god Kojima, you can’t just do that to a Native American!

Chris: This entire trailer is why I drink.

Callum: I should not be laughing this much at an apparently serious trailer.

Scott: Kojima: “WHAT IF JAMES BOND WAS A COWBOY?!”

Nick: I thought they were in Afghanistan. Why were there blood-diamond slave kids?

Scott: Because edgy.

Chris: Because. Because they hate us.

Callum: Totally worth the money it took to fly Kojima out there.

Scott: Waiting for applause seems hollow when you need to prompt that applause.

Nick: So, to give our PR guys extra time to handle our fuck ups, we’re gonna start with more 360 news.

Chris: Wait, does this mean that 360 games are coming to the Xbone? Two free games…that don’t port!

Callum: Oh, you mean that GAMES are coming to the 360?

Scott: If any games journalists there are applauding, I will find you and destroy you. You have no reason to cheer yet.

Callum: It’s yet another VCR! Scott, I read a tweet from Susan Ardnt where an Xbox rep told journalists they had to applaud at certain points.

Nick: PR decoding: “You all realized how much we’re ripping you off with Xbox Live Gold, so now we’re copying PS Plus”

World Of Tanks

Callum: WOO! FREE GAMES FROM 5 YEARS AGO!!

Scott: Are they actually starting the conference by announcing games for the 360? Because that’s certainly a very brave stance to be taking, regarding the criticism of the Xbone. Calling it, “Green Lantern: Tank Adventures”.

Callum: If only, Scott..

Nick: I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the music to this World of Tanks trailer. (Or what I assume is World of Tanks)

Callum: Is anyone else decidedly underwhelmed already?

Scott: What the hell? One of the 13 exclusive games they’re announcing is World of Tanks? Because that sure as hell ain’t exclusive. Oh. Wait. 360. Right.

Chris: Privyet, tovarich! I love World of Tanks. Too bad you cheapened it by making it arcady. I understand, really…you tailored the World of Tanks experience for the bros of the world, with their Coors Light and popped collars.

Callum: Are there a bunch of monkeys being promised bananas in the audience if they clap at everything? Sure seems like…

Scott: Free-to-play, only on Xbox 360? That’s an outright lie. It’s on PC. And it’s hardly free if you need an Xbox Gold subscription.

Callum: Also, you need £50 a year to play online to begin with…

Nick: Oh god, don’t show a hipster-looking guy please, fuck the pain away.

Max: The Curse of Brotherhood

Callum: These guys are WAAAAAAACCCCKKKYYYY!!!

Scott: Labyrinth: The Game!

Chris: This is why I drink. Well, drink more.

Scott: I’m saving the heavy drinking for the EA conference.

Callum: Well I’m interested, if nothing else.

Dark Souls 2

Scott: Dark Souls 2? Now we’re talking! Except I’ll get it on PC. Because it’ll be cheaper. And free to go online. And better optimised.

Chris: EA is going to ruin my life. And possibly kill me. Nick, if I drink to death…you can have Natasha, my shotgun. Treat her good.

Nick: Did we all just see that kid getting electrocuted? We all saw that right? On the gun note: Fuck, yes.

Callum: And here comes the giant marketing push that will doom Dark Souls II to failure before it’s even had a chance to start…

Scott: Phil Spencer, I already hate your face. And that blazer.

Nick: To be fair, a hype Dark Souls 2 trailer at E3 is not a bad place to pay for one. At least you know the people seeing it will care.

Scott: The classics we’ve asked for? I’m going to take that to mean backwards compatibility and not that you’ll resell us games we already own. You’d never do that.

Ryse: (Illiterate) Son Of Rome

Callum: OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!

Nick: Everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

Chris: Okay. I’m curious.Warhammer?

Scott: Wait. What? Romans?! FINALLY MY CLASSICAL EDUCATION IS OF USE!

Callum: Oh, it’s Ryse! The Kinect equivalent of Duke Nukem Forever or Half Life 3!

Nick: Ah, Crytek’s elusive Ryse. How I don’t care.

Chris:.5 boners for Ryse.

Callum: This man seems strangely unsympathetic to the deaths of his fellow comrades…

Callum: It’s Call Of Duty but for the Roman Empire!

Scott: I didn’t know they were making a movie called Ryse.

Chris:: A Roman Omaha Beach.

Scott: Celer-Tempus Eventum. Millia.

Callum: Oh, yay(!) Quick Time Events up the wazoo(!)

Nick: So..is there any context for the HUD or are we just supposed to be okay with that?

Callum: Those are spears, mate. Not arrows.

Callum: Did he just kick that guy off the edge twice?

Nick: Roman soldiers? Just make them fake British.

Callum: But Nick, they WERE British! Did you not pay any attention in History class?

Scott: Bonitas non est pessimis esse meliorem.

Chris: Nothing but quick time events!

Callum: Scott, are you translating your comments into Latin?

Nick: So, why could they not hit the catapult BEFORE that random soldier killed those guys?

Callum: Reasons, Nick. Reasons.

Chris: Christ jesus.

Scott: I was quoting Seneca, you heathen.

Callum: I’m looking forward to working under Biggus Dickus.

Scott: That’s what they call me. Or something like that.

Chris: Danger gleams as gold to a brave man’s eyes.

Killer Instinct

Chris: Must…pop….collar…

Scott: Oh god, my brain just died. That was far too…brosephy.

Callum: Oh. It really is only on Xbox One. Le siiiiiiiiiigh…

Callum: “We listened… About 12 years too late.”

Sunset Overdrive

Callum: Insomniac are working for Microsoft? Sony will be PISSED!

Callum: So everything that Fuse was not? Original, visually interesting, exciting…

Scott: Huh, the Scout from TF2 looks a little different there. He even has a pop-gun. What the hell? TF2 is not in the public domain.

Callum: I would love to get excited about this, but I am still burned from Overstrike turning into Fuse. It could turn into generic grey shitty shooter before it hits stores.

Nick: Excited. This is the first thing I have seen that has made me excited.

Chris: Well. well. I don’t even have words about Sunset Overdrive, and McLaren Ads.

Forza 5

Scott: Oh look. Cars. Even better, an actual car on stage. That’s like advertising an FPS by waving a gun on stage, it tells you fucking nothing about the game.

Callum: VROOM VROOM, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Callum: Don’t cheer for the onstage depiction of a car. You people aren’t going anywhere near that thing.

Scott: “With the power of Xbox One, we’ve transcended”. No, mate, you’ve animated a car.

Callum: TASTE THAT AIR, EVERYBODY! TASTES LIKE INNOVATION!!

Chris: The real world? Humanizing the world? THIS IS A CAR GAME VROOM VROOM!

Nick: Its not about poly-count and animating. Until someone comes out and says that it IS about that. Until then, ignore that stuff.

Scott: Driveatar. Drivatar? That’s not a real word and I refuse to countenance its existence.

Nick: I drive all the time, and I don’t drive into other people. Well, usually. I’m Asian after all.

Callum: Oh, shit. This is how Skynet started!

Chris: Because your games learning from you isn’t creepy. At all. Nor is your game playing the game for you.

Callum: Because when Bjork wrote that song, “Human Behaviour” this is definitely what she was singing about.

Nick: I really wish developers stopped saying “redefine your expectations”. Thats cheaply saying “If it works, you guys will like it” and “If we fuck up, you guys will remember forever.”

Callum: They’re going to redefine “redefining your expectations”, Nick!

Scott: Xbox One. Will constantly monitor you and will play your games for you too. You try getting near, it switches off.

Nick: Xbox One: Nick, go outside, you fat asshole.

Callum: Phil Harrison looks like a badly done clone of Agent 47.

Scott: No, Phil, it doesn’t look good. And I won’t be told otherwise by an alien in a suit.

Callum: Like Gears Of War’s unforgettable characters and story…

Chris: Christ Jesus. I can’t remember my hope being eroded like this since…well, the last Bush presidential election.

Nick: Chris’ calls for Jesus count: 2.

Scott: He said connect. Get it. Like “Kinect”.

Minecraft. Yes. Minecraft. Fuck’s Sake.

Scott: What. Minecraft? That’s a brave choice for an exclusive game. What with it being on PC, Android and every other fucking thing invented. I’ve played Minecraft on a fucking calculator.

Nick: Fuck dammit, not Minecraft. You need the mother fucking Xbone to run Minecraft?

Callum: Does anyone even like Minecraft, anymore?

Scott: I do…

Nick: Hipsters who are “SO NERDY” Callum. Also Scott now.

Chris: You have to advertise Minecraft? Really?

Quantum Leap Break

Callum: And now I’m back to being interested again.

Callum: So… how do you do that?

Nick: We aren’t going to talk about Television. Until Television.

Scott: Really? We’re doing a TV/game cross-over? Because Defiance might serve as a warning not to.

Callum: I’ve been watching that show. It’s… really not good.

Chris: This can only end in tears.

Callum: David Cage will be creaming his pants in excitement, right now.

Nick: Time has broken guys. TIME HAS BROKEN GUYS.

Chris: Because what we need is an interactive movie.

Scott: CALL THE DOCTOR!

Callum: Gee, this looks like an excellent puzzle game… What do you mean “it’s not a game”?

Scott: Is the gimmick for this game that you must constantly hold hands? Because that sounds quite nice really.

Nick: Oh my god, its written like a David Cage game….”DAMMIT I DON’T KNOW THE SCIENCE, BUT I KNOW THE GUY WHO KILLED HIM!”

Callum: WE HAVE FOUND THE SWEDISH EQUIVALENT OF DAVID CAGE!

D4

Scott: Is D4 the sequel to D2? Was there a D3? I think I’ve got a little lost after time broke.

Nick: Excellent, a Swery game. I can’t wait to enjoy its terrible-ness.

Chris: Well, at least D4 looks good, circa 2005. Like XIII.

Project Spark

Callum: Well somebody really wants that LittleBigPlanet/Scribblenauts money.

Chris: BROS BROS BROS: PROJECT SPARK! Let’s get wasted and drink PBR!

Scott: “Spark, show me rivers. Make that mountains”, says our indecisive god.

Callum: “Spark, show me a game that I’m interested in.”

Spark: I cannot do that Callum.

Scott: OH GOD THE ROBOT REBELLION HAS BEGUN.

Scott: Spark actually looks like an interesting idea. It’s quirky and doesn’t involve application of bullet to head. So far.

Callum: You are fired for that gorram awful pun.

Scott: One person laughed at that rock and roll pun. I will make it my mission to find and destroy them.

Callum: Can I come with?

Chris: Alright. well, Spark doesn’t seem outright awful.

Nick: Rock and roll. Rock and Roll. Rock and Roll.

Nick: I wonder if they know Rockman is a thing in Japan. I know Microsoft doesn’t.

Scott: Not sure why he’s pretending he hasn’t seen this before. Microsoft would never let him go on stage unrehearsed.

Callum: Oh, yay. It’s a not-totally crappy unlicenced game based on Avatar: The Last Airbender, Listen to my enthusiasm.

Callum: Please. Stop. Saying. Dude.

Chris: I take it back: it’s Avatar for bros. BROS BROS BROS

Scott: Yeah, I no longer wish to play this. It’ll be hours and hours of goblins, bros and penis mountains.

Nick: How the fuck is that mech a “upgrade” of a rock. Thats like saying a car is an upgrade from a round-ish rock.

Scott: Rock evolved into Gigantic Mech-Thing.

Callum: FALL OUT BOY, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Callum: Did I just see Angry Birds? Oh, Maker…

Nick: I’m really hoping FOB comes out and tries to distract us from this conference. I’d really enjoy that.

Callum: It’d be better than Usher last year. And I say that as an FOB fan.

Callum: This man looks like a possessed Patton Oswalt.

Chris: Do they meth up every speaker?

In-Built Twitch

Chris: Admittedly, helping people broadcast games would be cool…EXCEPT EVERY GAME THAT WOULD BE USEFUL ON IS ON PC.

Nick: PR PEOPLE: STOP SAYING EPIC.

Callum: It’s an epic epic of epic epicness, Nick!

Callum: Oh, hey! There’s a woman on stage actually promoting something! YOUR MOVE, SONY!

Chris: Too bad every game that would benefit from being broadcast is on PC.

Nick: Is there a single SINGLE person who wants to compare their in-game stats with another person’s in game stats? How many times did YOU punch a dude? 6?

Callum: Killer Instinct on the Xbox One. I continue to sigh profusely.

Scott: Every single person that I know who gets an Xbox, listen. I’m going to come to your house and shout “XBOX SHUT DOWN” every single fucking minute.

Callum: Please stop with your abysmally scripted banter. It’s embarrassing.

“Banter” That Sounds Inexplicably Like Something A Rapist Would Say

Nick: “Just let it happen, it’ll be over soon.” My thoughts exactly.

Callum: That’s what I said to your mom last… wait, what?!

Scott: Was that guy shouting “Hadoken”? Because it’s not a good idea to remind your players that there’s a better game out there waiting for them.

Chris: THIS is why I drink.

Callum: Because that didn’t look pre-made at all(!)

Callum: Chris, I wasn’t aware that you were Doug Stanhope?

Callum: In other words, “FUCK YOU, LET’S PLAYERS! WE NOW OWN YOUR ASS!”

Twitch Integration

Nick: They instantly start broadcasting on Twitch and Twitch starts showing the world why we don’t want to show the world Twitch.

Scott: That “dialogue” has made me cringe more than any other thing in the world. It never reflects well on your company, why ever do it?!

Callum: If you really do have more than 100 friends, you should check if they’re actually your friends.

Callum: But how much will Xbox Live cost?!

Scott: So that’s basically them announcing that you’ll still need to pay to go online. On a console that has to connect once a day. But it’s OK, you won’t need to pay for each person in your house. Just most of them.

Callum: Fuck. That. Shit.

Nick: The speakers are malfunctioning and this is the most entertained the journalists sound since the start of the show.

Callum: Audio difficulties, always hilarious.

Chris: There’s benefits to you, 40’s married white male! But lord forbid you want to bring Street Fighter to your buddy’s place!

Dead Rising 3

Nick: DR3. I’m a tiny bit excited.

Scott: Dead Rising 3? Hmm. I’m a little interested now.

Callum: Oh, yay(!) It’s the zombie series that I should really like but various abysmal design decisions prevent me from doing so(!)

Nick: I really don’t want to be excited for a zombie game. But I can’t help it when its DR3.

Scott: Why is Dead Rising stealing the Walking Dead’s aesthetic? It’s supposed to be fun and silly and a little bit bizarre. Gritty and realistic doesn’t suit it,

Callum: But, Scott! The Walking Dead is popular! Capcom have gots to get on that money train!

Nick: Rather than a cutscene, we can use the Xbone’s CPU to allow a crappily animated sequence.

Callum: All aboard the Gritty Realism Money Train! Choo choo!

Nick: I know its a game guys, but taping a gun’s slide would REALLY make it less effective.

Chris: Blood drawn graffiti has become the ultimate ubiquitous thing.

Chris: Nick, I think you might be the other other person here who’s fired a gun. I’m a little turned on.

Scott: Hey, I’ve fired a gun. Just because I’m British doesn’t mean I can’t point and click.

Scott: I remember running about DR2 in a Lego head, running zombies over with a trolley. At least I have those memories to get me through…

Chris: Scott, I did firearms as a living. I own four guns. I love them deeply. You don’t know firearms. *snuggles shotgun*

Scott: When the apocalypse happens, everyone round to Chris’s place.

Callum: Dammit, those zombies are messing up the paintwork!

Nick: “Zombies are still a threat” he claims as the player drives through dozens of them.

Callum: Maybe another car would help…

Chris: If you’re calling in arty, then nothing’s a threat. Literally.

Callum: Um… you’re doing what now?

Nick: I thought this guy was a mechanic. How does he have artillery support?

Scott: Right. Where did the mortar strikes come from?

Callum: Have neither of you two watched Falling Skies before?

The Witcher 3

Chris: Shhh…Projeckts!

Scott: If this is a Witcher 3 announcement, I’m going to call bullshit again. You began the conference by announcing 13 games EXCLUSIVE to Xbox One. We’ve had Witcher 3 and Minecraft.

Callum: Silly, Scott! PCs aren’t for gaming!

Scott: They actually seem to think that. Just because it isn’t on PS4 doesn’t make it exclusive.

Nick: I am going to punch every person I see who says “Epic” outloud. That’s going to turn into a beatdown if they are a PR person.

Chris: Please God, Witcher be good, and not just violence and tittays. And having a control scheme that doesn’t require a three-man team.

Callum: Witcher 3 looks epic! … …oh, shit…

Callum: Chris, if you want to get in your shots against Dragon Age 2, now’s your chance.

Nick: Chris, he has 2 swords on his back. 2 SWORDS! ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

Chris: Callum, don’t bring up my emotional and mental scars, please.

Scott: I’ll be buying that in a heartbeat. But on PC. Which is a platform, despite what Microsoft (creator of the world’s most used PC operating system) thinks.

Callum: But think of the improvements caused by the Xbox One, Scott(!)

Nick: I don’t understand the 60 fps obsession. We can’t even see a difference past 30 stable frames. In fact, these people could be lying to us and we would NEVER KNOW.

Battlefield 4: Something Something Generic Shooter

Callum: GUNS!!!!!!!!!! KNIVES!!!!! ARMY!!!!!!!

Scott: DOGS! WAIT WRONG GAME!

Callum: SOMEBODY SHOOT ME!!! I bet you this technical fuck-up would never happen to Call Of Duty. BIAS!

Chris: BF4: FAIL That’s why there’s mocking laughter.

Scott: And they managed to have technical difficulties showing the Battlefield 4 footage. Beautiful.

Nick: Man, this silence is riveting.

Callum: Seeing a collection of games journalists go rogue during this outage is the most entertained I’ve been all presser.

Nick: Games Journos are man-children. Why are you guys surprised at this reaction? I bet they piped in the applause at the EA Productions screen.

Chris: Fun point: If there’s a problem, grab your mic so that no one hears your embarrassment..

Scott: Well, this bodes well for the Xbox One.

Callum: My stream doesn’t want to show me the 60 FPS. The universe is conspiring for me, in this instance.

Nick: This looks cool. If I was 10-12, I would be super excited. But its a testament to my adulthood that I don’t care.

Chris: Saiga; eotech, sidemounted red dot. What the holy fuck.

Callum: Hey! Somebody at DICE played “Crew Expendable” from Call Of Duty 4! Good for them! Now, thanks to the power of the Xbox One, it actually looks like you’re really in a shitty Michael Bay movie!

Nick: I think, when they want to see guns, they think “What looks cool” instead of “What makes sense”.

Chris:Really, if you’re paying attention to the plane going into the water, you’re ignoring your buddies getting shot. As far as this goes… Ugh. Please, let it die like MOH.

Callum:MEANINGFUL MUSIC TO STIR EMOTIONS IN YOUR MANLY ASS! I still do not get why people advertise games like Battlefield and Call Of Duty with their single-player content instead of their multiplayer.

What Lies Below

Scott: Welcome back, Phil Spencer. Excluslively? I think Phil’s been drinking.

Callum: Guys, I’m still yet to press my Yay button for anything. Somebody give me something to Yay for!

Scott: WHAT”, “LIES”, all phrases I’ve said about the presser so far.

Chris: So…Australia.

A CGI Trailer For Some Sort Of Stealth Game

Callum: Woo, Canada! …please pop for Canada?”

Nick: Vancouver, Chris. VANCOOOOOUVER.

Chris: WHOO HOMETOWN BOYS! Wait…that was the least useful trailer ever.

Callum: Is that a female heroine? No, of course not. Why the fuck would it be. Loving the muted applause to that boring CG trailer that showed nothing.

Nick: Yep, thats how people think guns work.

Journey?

Scott: Microsoft, you might want to keep away from dry and lifeless deserts in your imagery. People might start to make comparisons.

Chris: So…everything today I`ve seen is either a ripoff, or a shittier, downmarket copy of something already on the 360.

Callum: Crappy CG, ahoy hoy! BOO! BOO! BOO HISS! BOO HISS, DICKS!

No, Wait, It’s Halo. In A Cloak.

Chris: Halo…something too small to see!

Scott: Master Chief, why are you wearing a cloak? You’re in full battle-armour. That does fucking nothing for you.

Callum: That makes it two women on this stage advertising stuff. One of which is advertising Halo, at least give MS props for that.

Nick: Yep. I give up. It was a good run guys.

Scott: After all of these corporate puppets, I can’t wait for Aisha Tyler on the Ubisoft presser.

Callum: [INSERT ARCHER REFERENCE HERE]

Nick: Guys, Halo is on Xbox One! What do you mean you knew already? How?”

Callum: SIXTY FRAMES A SECOND, YOU GUYS!! BE EXCITED!!

Scott: SIXTY FRAMES?! My lord. I’ve never heard of such a thing. Except every single time someone opens their mouth.

Nick: HOLY SHIT PR NOBODY CARES. 60 frames for your stylized game wouldn’t even be HARD.

Pricing and Release Announcement. Instant Laughter.

Callum: Our vision was a really shitty TV.” Are you seriously wrapping up? Seriously?

Scott: No, you haven’t shown how these games will be better on Xbox One. You’ve merely shown them on Xbox One. Although let’s be honest, all of those trailers will have been made on PC. This November? Fucking hell. That’s a bit soon.

Callum: I applaud the extremely delayed reaction to the pricing news. That is a really shitty price.

Nick: What? Thats the price? Uh…I guess. *clap*”

Chris: Xbone has destroyed my faith in consoles, and I grew up on the SNES.

Nick: Day One edition of the Xbox One. On One One/ One One/ Two Zero One Three

Titanfall

Callum: WHO’S READY FOR SOME GUNS!? Wait… this actually looks kind of cool. Well played, Respawn. Well played.

Nick: Interesting. Not the least bit hopeful after the price annoucement, but interesting.

Chris: Wait…looks good. Looks real and gritty and sad?

Scott: This looks OK. Although I am easily swayed by jetpacks. Titanfall, made in the Source Engine. PC PC PC PC PC PC.

Callum: Respawn, well fucking played.

Chris: Good god, I hope you rejected my CV for a reason, Respawn.

Callum: Are they integrating multiplayer and singleplayer in a way that looks natural and seamless?

Nick: God help the world when we finally decide to designate whole places that could allow an invading army to take over if they occupy them.

Chris: You win this time, Respawn.

Callum: Are they doing the free-running from Brink in a not-shit way?! Is this actually a mech game?!

Chris: It’s Shogo, fifteen years later.

Scott: This looks like it could be fantastic co-op. I’m really shocked to see a game I like the look of.

Nick: Mech game” is being generous Callum. There are mechs and it is a game.

Callum: Don’t care, Nick! This looks ace!

Nick: I still want Mechwarrior 5. Thats all I want.

Chris: I’mma vote for Mechwarrior 5, set during the same timeframe as MW4.

Callum: That takedown was insanely fucking cool.

Nick: Did I miss a parachute or does he have bionic legs?

Callum: And now I have a dilemma. I REALLY want to play Titanfall, but I REALLY don’t want to have to buy an Xbone. Especially not for Four-Hunded-And-Twenty-Nine-Fucking-Pounds.

Jerry’s Final Thoughts

Scott: And we appear to be done with the Microsoft press conference. Final thoughts, everyone?

Nick: Not with a bang, but a whimper.

Scott: BOOM! Microsoft, you just got TS Eliot’ed.

Callum: Stephen Totillo just attempted to defend the price of the Xbox One. No.

Chris: Hey, anyone else notice how they didn’t address used games, their creepy big brother stuff, or any of the main objections gamers raised?

Nick: Kotaku: Voice of not the people.

Callum: I pressed my Yay button six times. They were all for Titanfall. The rest was really not fucking good.

Scott: And for my part, I thought Titanfall looked OK and I was interested in Spark for the briefest moment. Not the strongest showing for the Microsoft side.

Nick: I’m not interested for a moment in the graphics capability or their frames talk. I want to see cool games and fun times. I saw that with the one game with the zip-lines and record-gun.

Callum: I do find it strange, Chris, that they just tried to ignore everything that was controversial leading up to the presser. White-washing?

Chris: White washed. In the vocabulary, fuck it, and everything that looks like it.

Scott: That seems a sensible place to stop for just now. We’ll be back in two hours or so for the EA conference. Hopefully, we’ll not cry into our pillows about that one.

Chris: Chow and liquor for everyone!

Callum: You’re paying, Chris.

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