Screen-Shaped E3: Ubisoft

Nick: Hey everyone, I’m Nick. I’m parking it early and waiting for Ubisoft. Making some quick commentary on the first looks we have on The Bureau and Beyond: Two Souls.

Nick: The Bureau actually looks interesting. Real-time tactical third-person shooter action with a heavy focus on tactics, a definitive X-COM look, and interesting powers, I’m hopeful for this one.

Nick: Oh man, Beyond: Two Souls takes all the promise of non-combat and interesting story line and throws it away with third-person cover shooter combat. And its coming from Quantic Dream, so its going to be even WORSE.

Chris: Oh, The Bureau…please don’t suck.

Chris: The pregame from Gamespot, ‘bro’ is used as a verb, adjective, and noun. I am vindicated.

Callum: Hey there, everyone! I’m Callum Petch! I’ve killed off Scott so now I’m your new Screen-Shaped Eyes editor! (That’s how this works, right?)

Callum: In any case, we’re here to see Aisha Tyler tell some jokes about videogames! Oh, and Ubisoft will be revealing some games too or whatever.

Nick: Ubisoft is a “super creative and innovative publisher” *intense laughter*

Scott: I am apparently dead? Well, cool.

Callum: Let’s hope that her material doesn’t go the way of Joel McHale’s second year of hosting. That’d be painful. Also, videogames. Let’s start off this videogame conference with SOME MUSIC!


Scott: I like to start all my videogame conferences with some solo rock music.

Nick: Totally ignorant, but I have no idea who this guy is. Sue me.

Chris: Ummm…can we have something relevant to gaming, not a concert? I mean, it’s a sweet little set, but yeah. Games.

Callum: Nick has never heard of Alice In Chains. Disgraceful.

Nick: I’ve never LISTENED to Alice in Chains. So, I guess still disgraceful.

Chris: Yeah, because Alice in Chains is current and relevant to anyone younger than fifty.

Callum: Though I’m still yet to buy it, I’m glad that Ubi are still supporting Rocksmith.

Scott: Well, at least there’s a game there, even if it is ridiculously expensive for it and the required peripheral.

Callum: Do we need this many sweeping camera angles of a guy playing a guitar?

Nick: I actually own Rocksmith. It has helped me learn guitar for realz. Take from that what you will.

Chris: Okay. Games now, Ubisoft. For reals. Old people playing guitar isn’t new. Hell, I have friends my age that play gui-tar. I don’t have a musical bone in my body…I can hardly play the triangle.

Callum: Aisha Tyler is trying to make #girlwood a thing. I am against this.

Dan: Better known as LAAAAANAAAAAAAAAAAA. But seriously, #GirlWood makes me feel uncomfortable, especially when it’s written on a t-shirt.

Chris: I too am uncomfortable regarding #girlwood. I’m hoping it means what I think it means.

Callum: It’s clearly our anti-feminist bias! We men suck!

Nick: Male White privilege! Wait…what about me?

Scott: Girl Wood is the name of my acoustic lute band.

Chris: Aisha Tyler, you can stop trying to impress us. You’ve done it already.

Nick: Please stop telling us about your habits Aisha. I like you, but not that much.

Callum: Nick, if you’re against this, you’re in for a LOOOOONG night.

Chris: Social media! Rub it all over your face!

Callum: Nothing like attempting to force hashtags!

Scott: What’s Twitter?

Callum: This device where you’re only allowed to talk in 140 characters at a time. It’ll never catch on…

Splinter Cell: Blacklist

Nick: Why can’t I just have Chaos Theory 2? Why? I want Chaos Theory 2.

Callum: I know that everyone is doing this kind of “fake viral video for terrorists” thing now but I still find it mighty effective at being unsettling.

Callum: Don’t worry, Ubi. It’s not like I actually want to SEE the trailer or anything. You keep showing me everything but it, instead!

Nick: Fourth Echelon is going to sound stupid no matter HOW many times you say it.

Chris: I’m recognizing voices here…

Scott: I’m not entirely sure what’s happening here. This panoply of video and maps has illustrated nothing of the game.

Callum: Spies vs. Mercs was fantastic last gen. I wonder if it’ll still hold up this gen.

Chris: It looks…good. Very good.

Nick: When are they going to admit they just cloned Sam? Thats a real plot point. Why is he aging BACKWARDS?

Scott: News just in. Mirror’s Edge 2 is going to be a prequel. Not really relevant, but there we go.

Chris: My mind.

Dan: She did not just make an “ In bed” joke. She did not just make a slightly more elaborate that what’s she said joke.

Callum: Do you people even know Aisha Tyler?

Rayman Legends

Scott: Rayman? This is something I can get behind, I rather liked Origins.


Nick: She’s Lana, that’s all I know.

Dan: I love her acting, I hate her as a presenter.

Chris: She may or may not have game cred. I’m not sure. That doesn’t make her any less of an awful presenter.

Scott: On the other hand, there’s games to look at. Sort of. CGI trailers, at least.

Callum: Guys, I’m laughing at a game trailer again. This is a nice feeling. It should happen more often.

Callum: Rayman Legends: All I want is one level on the level of Land Of The Livid Dead. It doesn’t need to be as good, it just needs to be close enough. That is ALL that I ask. Do that, and I’m satisfied.

Nick: I laughed during Fifa. But that wasn’t the point.

Scott: I’m not sure there are many games out there that have an aesthetic I love quite as much as Rayman’s.

Callum: I’d argue that it’s the best looking game of the entire generation. And it is all thanks to the fantastic art style and the gorgeous animation. Plus, I’m a sucker for cartoons.

Callum: Can more games please have a sense of humour? Please?

Nick: I’ll say it now; I’m actually very excited for this game.

Scott: Agreed.

Chris: As a person who’s treated persons for various diseases and injuries…yeah. Rayman is “Sure, babe, I’ll take you to the ER after this level.”

A Mighty Quest For Epic Loot. Is That Right? Bloody Game Titles.

Callum: Oh, I didn’t think that was the name! I thought she was just describing it. That’s actually rather clever!

Scott: A Quest For Mighty Loot! I’ve not played that. At all. Nope. Not even saying that due to an NDA, I genuinely haven’t and I couldn’t tell you it was actually quite fun. Because I didn’t play it.

Callum: Scott, I totally am not jealous of you and I totally do not hate you right now, you totally not jammy bastard.

Nick: I didn’t know these guys made Dia- Oh.

Scott: There you go, Callum, it appears to be in closed beta now. In which case, I can tell you it’s quite fun. Different enough to let me throw quite a few hours into it.

Chris: Challenge accepted, other French person!


Callum: Ubisoft are singlehandedly leading the charge for putting humour back into games. I’m alright with this.

Nick: I’m interested in these funny games. Its like…fun can be with funny…huh.

Dan: Genuinely chortling at this!

Callum: Games Industry! More games with attitudes like these! NOW!

Chris: Alphabet soup.Prolly gonna see what’s all up in this…hate the social aspect, love th whole idea of it.

Scott: It’s nice to see a game having fun. You so rarely get to see that. Also, Chris, there’s basically no social aspect. You raid other castles, but the other player doesn’t interfere at all.

South Park: The Nagasaki Fart


Scott: Well, this ought to be good.

Callum: Universe, that’s how you do a fart joke!

Scott: Ubisoft, once again showing that they can pull out one hell of a press conference when they need to.

Chris: Doesn’t look bad. But still…knights.

Callum: HYPE!!

Nick: Obsidian can do it. I believe in them still.

Callum: Hopefully they hired a QA department this time.

Chris: Oh god, Aisha Tyler IS a giantess. Hot.

Callum: That went to a weird place, Chris. This is not the place to discuss your fetishes.

Callum: A new game from Reflections? After the excellence of Driver: San Francisco, I’m down for this.

Chris: Pancakes weren’t involved. It’s technically not a fetish.


Scott: Aw. No.

The Crew

Nick: 2013, year of the car.

Callum: Wait… is this basically a Fast & Furious game in all but name?! SOLD!

Chris: Fighting Need for Speed with…MORE broiness?

Scott: I like go-karts. I want to see some go-kart games.

Callum: Ubisoft, all I need is some in-game footage and you will have ALL of my money! ALL of it!

Nick: Oh god, is it another Fast and the Furious? Is Callum going to go entirely nuts?

Callum: You actually create in-game crews from real people? I like that a lot!

Chris: What about people who hate people? There’s an awful lot of us.

Callum: That’s it! We’re starting our SSE crew right now! You are all buying this game cos I say so!

Scott: Can I be the steering wheel?

Nick: I need to be the brakes!

Callum: Aisha… please stop trying to force “girl wood”. It was funny last year, stop running it into the ground.

Scott: Heh. Force Girl Wood. That’s the name of my metal lute band.

Dan: Heh, metal lute. I know what you’re REALLY referring to you dirty bastard.

Callum: And yet you people wouldn’t laugh at EA’s ball puns.

Dan: Because that’s just cheap Callum. I wouldn’t expect a brony to understand the finer points of nob jokes.

Scott: I genuinely couldn’t tell the difference between any of the racing games I’ve seen today. They’ve all blended into one huge blur of bros and cars.

Callum: In-game footage? That’s it. Ubi, I’m holding my wallet up to the screen. Start taking my money now.

Nick: They are even meeting in Miami Callum. Are you not hyped?


Scott: Chris has said what is etched on my heart.

Callum: Dude, lift your controller higher. It’s in too suggestive a position at the moment.

Nick: Words cannot express my disinterest in seeing more of this game.

Callum: Words cannot express my disinterest in your suckiness! Yeah! That told you!

Scott: Callum must feel so alone here.

Chris: Callum hears my words ring…but only the words ‘bros’ and ‘cars’.

Nick: Wait, wearing hats make me bad?

Callum: Erm… Scuse me a second… Seeing these car engines has reminded me that I need some hand lotion…

Scott: My interest in this press conference is really flagging right now. We’re getting way too much car here. Especially since we only got 30 seconds of South Park.

Nick: When I think video games, I think “things I can’t usually do in real life”. Driving is something I can do in real life.

Callum: So you perform car based heists all the time, Nick?

Nick: On Saturdays. Or when I’m low on cash.

Scott: I play Minecraft because society looks down on me punching trees in real life. Is that the same thing?

Chris: Really, what it breaks down to is that our desire to make our hobby accessible to all has opened it up to numb-from-the-shoulders-up bros. And since there’s a lot more of them than actual gamers…

Scott: Far Cry 4, calling it now. We will get a teaser for that.

Callum: Seriously, screw you guys. I’m excited for this.

Nick: I’m more interested in the fact that these guys are running over innocent beach goers and thats not even concerning anyone.

Callum: Did you never play Driver, Nick? The pedestrians always jump out of the way in time! It’s like a cop movie!

Nick: I did. I loved Driver. Running over them was like a goal. Like in LA Noire.

Scott: Oh, thank god, it’s almost over. It looks an OK driving game, but there was way too much focus on it. Wait. No. There’s more.

Nick: Fuck dammit, there are points?? And levels? 😦

Callum: You can only unlock advanced driving maneuvers by being a damn good driver! Duh!

Chris: Not JUST a bribe! Well done, Aisha Tyler, for being robust and moral.

Callum: Can we please stop with all of these attempts at integrating tablets? Nobody, and I mean NOBODY in their right mind is going to use them.

Scott: I use the Planetside 2 app every so often. Yet again, I exist only to contradict Callum.

Watch Dogs. Deliberate Lack of Underscore.

Nick: Fuck yes WATCH_DOGS!

Callum: OK, Watch_Dogs!

Scott: Dominic what? That’s a bit judgemental.

Callum: Don’t even think about it, Scott.

Nick: Yeah, Aisha, there’s no need for that.

Chris: Whoo! Erosion of personal freedoms and privacy!

Nick: If I could pry, I would probably just try and sell stuff.

Scott: He’s talking about Microsoft, right?

Callum: How long until he stops talking about reality and starts talking about Watch_Dogs?

Callum: David Cage wishes he could write stuff as cinematic as this trailer.

Nick: God dammit, are we going into the SAME club??

Scott: Wait, I’m pretty positive that’s not how you serve up sushi. That seems unhygienic.

Nick: I see that all my ideas for a Watch_Dogs trailer have been used. Sadness

Chris: Hooray…more digital vigilante justice.

Scott: British police there? What?

Callum: The finished product only needs to be half as good as all of the pre-release media for it to be my Game Of The Year. Seriously, I am super hyped for this.


Just Dance 2014

Dan: Aisha Tyler unable to contain her laughter as she introduces Just Dance 2014.

Nick: I’m dancing. For real, internet, I’m dancing now. Try and stop me Callum!


Chris: Dancing to Pitbull, the core of every nerd.


Nick: It really upsets me that this song took the best bit from “Take On Me” :\

Callum: I’m being forced to listen to Pitbull. Ubisoft have now lost E3 forever. Shut it down.

Scott: That all seemed far too active. It’s too late for me to feel that energised.

Rabbids. Nobody Really Cares About These.

Callum: OK, who asked for the Rabbids to come back? Spit it out! Tell me now and your punishment will be swift instead of drawn-out.

Nick: I don’t know, I filled mine out randomly.

Scott: I didn’t guess that Ubisoft would mention TV more than Microsoft. At least we can play our TV show? What?

Callum: Wait until they start mentioning SSSPPPPOOO- (machine gun)

Nick: *Adam Jensen Impression* I didn’t ask for this.

Callum: As the animation/cartoon expert on this here panel, I do not like that art style or that animation.

Callum: Yay for embarrassingly awkward applauses!

Chris: So…Jar Jar Binks for nerds. More so.

Callum: “…and Raving Rabids will do precisely NONE of those emotions!”

Scott: That is never going to work how they imagined it.

Callum: My problem is that they picked the Rabbids, literally THE single most annoying choice of characters. The only movement anyone will be doing is to change the channel.

Nick: My god, I don’t even care enough to be angry at this.

Callum: This works even worse than I was expecting.

Nick: So its not even a game. Its a UI overlay that does NOTHING to impact the TV OR the game. The worst of both worlds.

Scott: In what way are they affecting the show? That looks fucking terrible.

Callum: A lot of things are far better than screaming with your children. Like a brain aneurysm.

Chris: Geez, it’s like the Kinect works. Wait, no, as show, absolutely not.

Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag

Callum: Assassin’s Creed: The Franchise That Won’t Die No Matter How Hard Ubisoft Tries To Kill It!

Nick: Next up: Assasin’s Creed: Zombies! Why? Because fuck you, that’s why!

Callum: The worst part is, I would love a good pirate focused game. But not one attached to Assassin’s Creed, especially since half of its features will be half-baked and the story will make no fucking sense.

Nick: He wears a white hood and none of the other pirates are all “Hey dude, you look like a douchebag”?

Scott: It’ll be a good, solid game. It won’t be astounding, but it’ll be serviceable. Next.

Callum: Of course our pirate hero is a white male. Heaven forbid we try and introduce some gender and racial diversity into our AAA gaming franchises(!)

Scott: Callum, the last main character was Native American.

Chris: My hope is that the game ends with “And then he died of dysentery.”

Callum: Scott, the game also sucked, last I checked.

Dan: My issue is that this guy is trying to be too many things at once. I’d assume he’d have a difficult enough time just trying to be a pirate, but a pirate assassin? It’s insanity I tell you!

Scott: Quality doesn’t detract from that fact, Callum.

Nick: World’s worst pirate captain waits until ALL his crew is dead and then kills the bad guys.

Callum: I take it that last item which got some close-up has some relevance to the overall meta-narrative? Or something?

Scott: Dan, he’s also a ninja. And if the last few DLC are any indication, he might also be a spirit-eagle.

Chris: Drunken chaos, adventure…Sounds like a family get-together to me.

Callum: And immediately somebody from Ubisoft pisses all over my plans for a true swashbuckling game. Consider my interest lost.

Scott: No, pirates are symbolic of rape, slaughter and wanton destruction. They’re not admirable figures.

Scott: Admiral figures, perhaps.

Callum: More ambitious open-world than the driving game that’s promising the whole of America as a drivable area with no load times?

Nick: I believe this man subscribes to the “Pirates of the Caribbean” school of pirate philosophy.

Callum: Because what you want after an Assassin’s Creed trailer… is another Assassin’s Creed trailer.

Scott: Ubisoft may have some good games, but they don’t appear to have many, from the focus they’ve given Driving Game and Stabbing Game.

Chris: Dystenterry for erreyboday!

Callum: I’m amazed that we didn’t get another on-stage demo of Watch_Dogs. Unless we’re waiting for Sony…

Scott: Guys, I’m not sure Chris will survive to the Sony presser. Does anyone here know first aid?

Callum: If nothing else, Assassin’s Creed still knows how to pick a trailer song.

Nick: I know mouth to mouth.

Dan: My favourite part of the trailer was that lovely soundtrack. Anyone have any idea who’s music that is?

Some New Trials Games

Callum: Say goodbye to your controllers, folks! New Trials game announced!

Callum: Make that 2. One for mobile devices, too!

Chris: because the same shitty game I play on my phone to burn time on the subway is exactly what I want on my TV!

Nick: Trials is awesome, to be fair Chris.

Callum: Chris, your relentless negativity is bumming me out.

Scott: Chris, stop bumming Callum.

Callum: And why do you think that he’d be the one doing the bumming, Scott?

Callum: …wait…

Scott: Personal experience.

Scott: We may be off-topic here.

Callum: Can we please get Beyond Good & Evil 2, now?

Chris: My bumming of others shouldn’t hamper your enjoyment of shitty, crossplatform games. Because…if you can play it on your phone, why shouldn’t it be fun on your Xbox?

Interesting and Cinematic Trailer That Turns Out To Be…

Scott: Wait, what’s this? I got distracted by all the bumming. Zombies? I bet this is zombies.

Nick: I’m sure its zombies. Why do redacted files have HUGE spaces between relevant phrases?

Callum: … go on, trailer…

Scott: House of Cards: The Game?

Scott: No, wait, Wall Street: The Game.

Callum: They’re trying to Watch_Dogs whatever this is. I am mighty intrigued…

Nick: Has E3 been hacked or are we watching an INTERESTING IP trailer?

Chris: Ummm…welcome to the real world. Like everyone says…we’re only three missed meals from total chaos.

Callum: Ubisoft REALLY know how to cut a debut concept trailer!

Scott: Watch_Dogs 2?

Nick: Color me intrigued, at the very least.

Chris: I kinda want this game.

Callum: Oh my God, Vaas is an actual human being!

Nick: ….really Callum? He’s in the Far Cry Experience.

Scott: Psh, it’s just Pandemic with better graphics. Bet Madagascar is the easiest to save.

Scott: I don’t really like trailers that don’t show gameplay, but that first one caught my interest. Let’s see how the gameplay looks. Oh, it’s the Last of Us.

Callum: I am currently stunned silent by my interest in this new IP. I think this is 2014’s Watch_Dogs…

Dan: Is this the new Rainbow Six or something similar? I thought they said it was a new entry into the franchise, not an entirely original IP?

Scott: That would make sense, actually.

Nick: What even is going on. Future watches, 3D Huds?

Dan: Also, they’ve been very quiet on the R6 front, they released that patriot trailer a while back, I was under the impression that was scrapped though, or only a WIP idea?

Scott: Dogs! Somewhere, there’s dogs! Dogs are the new bows.

Callum: An actual female character in a modern day shooter? My, how far we are coming!

Nick: There was the lady in Battlefield 4 you know.

Callum: But do you really think she’s going to have a personality, Nick?

Nick: I think so. I’m not sure if these are players or characters; they keep referencing game-things.

Scott: This is looking rather good indeed. I do love a good squad-based shooter.

Callum: I really like how cold, bored and professional everybody sounds. It’s working for this game, so far.

Nick: This is really interesting. Even if its an established series, I’m excited for this game.

Dan: I’m not sure it is an established series, maybe I just misheard him?

Tom Clancy’s The Directive

Chris: I want this. And it’s a terrible established series.

Callum: What was that that just went skittering?

Scott: I know we’re supposed to look down on violent games, but this is really piquing my fancy. It looks so cleanly and elegantly designed.

Chris: This is nothing like the Directive 51 books (and I use that only to describe masses of papers covered in words).

Callum: Ladies and gentlemen, 2013’s Watch_Dogs!

Nick: Violence with reason is fine violence. Context and reason make a whole world of difference.

Scott: A Tom Clancy game? Wow.


Callum: I really, really hope that that’s good!

Callum: Yay for cheap stunt to end the presser with a whimper!


Chris: I still want it.

Nick: I want it. I want it. I want it.

Callum: Give me it now! That, Watch_Dogs, The Crew, Rayman, South Park… JUST GIVE ME ALL OF THEIR GAMES!

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